whutever

Life's too short to live without you, where you are is where I want to be, You're the most amazing person I've met in all my life, all I want is you, and I promise we'll see eachother sooner than you know... One million nice things to say to me every single day for almost a month. Everything was perfect. Well, perfect being a very overly used word and also considering the obvious absurdness of where we met, the way we met and the endless distance between what we had. But I was prepared to see through all of that. So I did. And it was okay. I managed, somehow, and I knew that this would end up being really, really beautiful. All the times we laughed at eachothers stupidness through the long phonecalls, all the promises and planning for the future. All the times I woke up in the middle of the night from his spontanious phone calls or his adorable text messages. Day after day I was in my own little world, keeping in my mind constantly the day when I will see him again. "It's faith, Sarah-Louise. It will happen.", one of my best friends said to me. "I don't believe such a thing exists", I said to her and laughed. "Of course it exists! How else would you explain you two meeting?", "Well, decisions, the amazing mind and will one's own, perhaps....?". "No, you've got it all wrong. Everything comes down to faith. It makes sense". I thought about what she had said for a long while. Because faith, what does that mean, really? Some people may say beleif, some may say confidence. But I really believe it means trust. The definition of faith is always a positive one. People don't speak of bad faith, that faith is evil. I started to realize that my friend may be right. "But what if we don't see eachother until next year?", "that will be up to faith". So I started to believe in this conception, only for it to lead to one of the worst days of my life. First, my shock of complete ignorance, of confirmation that he is just as two-faced as the rest of them. Then, the understanding. The knowledge of what actually had happened. Of his regret, of his sadness, of his confusement and anger. The knowledge of my being in this absurd situation, like a stray hair on an object of perfection. Like his highest dream but also his worst nightmare, all wrapped in one with a ribbon on it. Me being left at the highest degree of confusement ever reached. Instead of my anger I started to feel guilt and sadness, emptyness, if you must. How could it go so wrong? How am I a part of the result of a huge mistake between two people. Faith? So, was this faith as well? No, this was the accident of stupid decisions, one which led to another, one which ruined everything, one which is the cause of my being left in a wreck of utter sadness. Because this isn't how faith is supposed to be. It's not truth, even less is it beleif. "All the things I said, you have to believe me, they are all still true". That is all I want. I want to believe you and I want the truth. But I will never believe in faith until something good comes out of it, like it is defined in the dictionary, like it is meant to be. William Shakespeare once wrote one of the most beautiful truths ever written according to myself. 'Since I left you, mine eye is in my mind. And that which governs me to go about doth part his function and is partly blind seems seeing but efficiently is out, for it no form delivers to the heart. Of bird, of flower, or shape which it doth latch, of his quick objects hath the mind no part, nor his vision holds what it doth catch. For if it see the rud'st or gentlest sight, the most sweet favour or deformed'st creature, the mountain or the sea, the day or night, the crow or dove, it shapes them to your feature. Incapable of more, replete with you - my most true mind thus makes mine eye untrue'. It seems like I ain't the only non-faith-believer. "of his quick objects hath the mind no part". Yes, Shakespeare. Quick decisions. I know you are sorry, you didn't lie when you said that. Well so am I. And I'm sorry things are the way they are. I guess this is what I got for wishful thinking.